5.21.18
It's hard to imagine that this school year is coming to an end. This is our last week of the year and the fact that in Nov. of 2017 I was getting a call from Larry saying you had Leukemia was still fresh on my mind. How could we have gone from the beginning of the school year, to complete shock at Thanksgiving, to losing you right at the end? It seems unreal, It seems not possible. You spent an entire month of December locked in a hospital cell during Protective Environment. We watched you from a window and I rushed to you every Friday after work to be in that window. We ate dinners and lunch, you from your hospital bed, me from my window seat. Was that month worth it as they pumped chemo into your veins at very high volume? As I sit here in my office thinking of you sitting there day after day it breaks my heart. We did talk daily and I will never forget our weekends together. Did any of it help? Was any of it worth it? God I don't know, all I know is I was all in and there to help you navigate this scary scary world of cancer. You had so many people rooting and pulling for you! Our Thanksgiving 2017 in the hospital is one to never be forgotten! You had such a huge group of Chauvins in the Palliative care unit that you literally pulled out a stitch from your PICC line arm from hugging everyone. I wanted you better, I wanted you back, I still want you here. Help me to understand why this didn't work out. Help me to understand that you had to go...
Monday, May 21, 2018
Friday, May 18, 2018
Pulling Strings
05.18.18
I don't know how all of this works, I just know that you truly believed you would see your parents again someday. I pray that you are with them, your sister, and everyone else you loved. The note I left in your jacket pocket said "please be there with open arms" I mean that, I need you to great me with open arms. I hope I did enough for you while you were here, I don't know why I feel like I failed you. It's such a hard feeling to shake. I wanted you better, I wanted you around to see Maverick and Thora grow, I wanted you here for me. How selfish. I was allowed so many wonderful days with you, so many wonderful moments that I will never forget. I was your biggest fan, this I know for sure. You work on the crossover when it's my time, I need you there Open Arms, please... #liftingonlove
I don't know how all of this works, I just know that you truly believed you would see your parents again someday. I pray that you are with them, your sister, and everyone else you loved. The note I left in your jacket pocket said "please be there with open arms" I mean that, I need you to great me with open arms. I hope I did enough for you while you were here, I don't know why I feel like I failed you. It's such a hard feeling to shake. I wanted you better, I wanted you around to see Maverick and Thora grow, I wanted you here for me. How selfish. I was allowed so many wonderful days with you, so many wonderful moments that I will never forget. I was your biggest fan, this I know for sure. You work on the crossover when it's my time, I need you there Open Arms, please... #liftingonlove
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| My note to you, left in your jacket |
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| A tiny key to heaven couldn't hurt |
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| Thora made these for you and we placed them in your arms |
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| Maverick wrote this for you |
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Things you refuse to see
5.17.18
Every day and every night I replay the last week. I spoke to you last on Thursday and you died Sunday morning. You didn't call Saturday or Sunday morning. Did you know you were dying? My best guess is you didn't. Uncle Larry went to visit you Friday and he said you looked better than he'd seen you in a long time. That you were talking about getting more active. You told him I was coming to change your PICC line dressing, which I was but it had not come in yet. You must have not known, you would have reached out. The one thing that brings some ease to my mind if only a little is that you passed away so peacefully. It was if you went to sleep in your favorite brown recliner (that mommy and I bought you a father's day long ago) in the house you raised your four children in. The words that my best friends kept using (they rushed over to be at your side) were "he looked like an angle, so sweet, and peacefully sleeping" I ask myself why didn't I see that you were dying? clearly you look at the photos from the first day you entered MD Anderson and the last photos I took of you and there is is clear as day. My heart must not have been able to accept that part, to refuse to believe it. I told myself "this is just part of the treatment, once he's in maintenance he'll get better, have more energy" My eyes deceived me because my heart was protecting itself. Would it have made a difference if I saw things differently? I don't know, I just saw a man that was strong, brave, and fighting everyday. #liftingonlove
Every day and every night I replay the last week. I spoke to you last on Thursday and you died Sunday morning. You didn't call Saturday or Sunday morning. Did you know you were dying? My best guess is you didn't. Uncle Larry went to visit you Friday and he said you looked better than he'd seen you in a long time. That you were talking about getting more active. You told him I was coming to change your PICC line dressing, which I was but it had not come in yet. You must have not known, you would have reached out. The one thing that brings some ease to my mind if only a little is that you passed away so peacefully. It was if you went to sleep in your favorite brown recliner (that mommy and I bought you a father's day long ago) in the house you raised your four children in. The words that my best friends kept using (they rushed over to be at your side) were "he looked like an angle, so sweet, and peacefully sleeping" I ask myself why didn't I see that you were dying? clearly you look at the photos from the first day you entered MD Anderson and the last photos I took of you and there is is clear as day. My heart must not have been able to accept that part, to refuse to believe it. I told myself "this is just part of the treatment, once he's in maintenance he'll get better, have more energy" My eyes deceived me because my heart was protecting itself. Would it have made a difference if I saw things differently? I don't know, I just saw a man that was strong, brave, and fighting everyday. #liftingonlove
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Hands in gloves
05.16.18
You got me this glove early in my high school softball career. I remember you taking a pin and placing it under the hot flames of the stove and branding my initials into it. You also took a bright yellow softball placed it in the glove and wrapped rubber bands around it to break it in. I love this glove. Even after my softball career ended in 1998 you continued to use this glove during you senior slow pitch days. I was able to see you play in many of those earlier games. I even brought Maverick out to the field in his first few years. Baseball has always been your sport but you supported Maverick and his love of soccer even though you were not that familiar with the game. That's the thing about you daddy, you supported me and my family no matter what. Thank you for teaching me that life skill, to support and be all in even if you don't know the game that well. Maverick is now trying his hand at baseball. I convinced him to try out this glove yesterday and he caught really well. Didn't take him long to see that this broken in glove moves so much better than a new stiff one. Your hands, my hands, and now Maverick's hand have now fit into this glove. What a thing of beauty. #liftingonlove
You got me this glove early in my high school softball career. I remember you taking a pin and placing it under the hot flames of the stove and branding my initials into it. You also took a bright yellow softball placed it in the glove and wrapped rubber bands around it to break it in. I love this glove. Even after my softball career ended in 1998 you continued to use this glove during you senior slow pitch days. I was able to see you play in many of those earlier games. I even brought Maverick out to the field in his first few years. Baseball has always been your sport but you supported Maverick and his love of soccer even though you were not that familiar with the game. That's the thing about you daddy, you supported me and my family no matter what. Thank you for teaching me that life skill, to support and be all in even if you don't know the game that well. Maverick is now trying his hand at baseball. I convinced him to try out this glove yesterday and he caught really well. Didn't take him long to see that this broken in glove moves so much better than a new stiff one. Your hands, my hands, and now Maverick's hand have now fit into this glove. What a thing of beauty. #liftingonlove
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Full Circle
5.15.18
Daddy, the deacon that gave you the final blessing at the graveyard knew you. He had the most beautiful story of how you helped him during your social services days to adopt this son. What an amazing mark you left on the world. What an amazing blessing to have him there so grateful to give you your final blessing. Again I know God placed him there to be with us when we needed him, to remind us of all the humble and caring things you did for others. I will never forget this. This deacon received help from you to adopt a child that God needed placed in his care. You my dear daddy took part in performing that miracle. You loved Mother Teresa and after her death before she became a saint you spoke of her performing her 3 miracles into sainthood. You spoke of her curing you, you said "well why not" I believe she did cure you and now you sit with her in all of her glory (you loved her face and all her beautiful wrinkles) next to God. I'm waiting for you to begin your 3 miracles into sainthood. Go ahead and get to them dear daddy. Continue your work in heaven as you had began laying the ground work here on earth. #liftingonlove
Daddy, the deacon that gave you the final blessing at the graveyard knew you. He had the most beautiful story of how you helped him during your social services days to adopt this son. What an amazing mark you left on the world. What an amazing blessing to have him there so grateful to give you your final blessing. Again I know God placed him there to be with us when we needed him, to remind us of all the humble and caring things you did for others. I will never forget this. This deacon received help from you to adopt a child that God needed placed in his care. You my dear daddy took part in performing that miracle. You loved Mother Teresa and after her death before she became a saint you spoke of her performing her 3 miracles into sainthood. You spoke of her curing you, you said "well why not" I believe she did cure you and now you sit with her in all of her glory (you loved her face and all her beautiful wrinkles) next to God. I'm waiting for you to begin your 3 miracles into sainthood. Go ahead and get to them dear daddy. Continue your work in heaven as you had began laying the ground work here on earth. #liftingonlove
Monday, May 14, 2018
New First
5.14.18
We go through a lot of first, first breath, first words, first steps, etc. I never realized at 38 I would have to begin a whole new set of firsts. First time back in McAllen and you're not there, first visit back to the gravel yard after your funeral, first day back at work... It's filled with first and yet also so many last. Last time I felt your hug, last time I received a birthday card from you, last look, last kiss, last laugh. I think the last will always be harder than the first but ultimately they are both filled with sadness. Maverick has one of his first today too, his first STAAR test. On the way to school I told him "you know your PawPaw would have called you either last night or this morning and told you your ready, just do what you teachers have taught you and you will be just fine" He said "I know". I also told him "PawPaw would say he's so proud of you" He said "I know". I guess the first will go on and those last will stay burned in my heart.
A memory to an old first. The first time I recall my daddy being such a fun guy. I held the water hose on a hot summer day, I'm guessing I was about 10. I must have been playing in it or something. Daddy says "I'm going to give you one chance to get me, but you have to wait till I count to 3" He begins counting 1, 2, 3 and me not putting two and two together I dropped the hose and ran after him to chase him on 3. As I tagged him he said "you had your chance to get me with the hose!" Finally it clicked, I missed my opportunity. We laughed. #liftingonlove
We go through a lot of first, first breath, first words, first steps, etc. I never realized at 38 I would have to begin a whole new set of firsts. First time back in McAllen and you're not there, first visit back to the gravel yard after your funeral, first day back at work... It's filled with first and yet also so many last. Last time I felt your hug, last time I received a birthday card from you, last look, last kiss, last laugh. I think the last will always be harder than the first but ultimately they are both filled with sadness. Maverick has one of his first today too, his first STAAR test. On the way to school I told him "you know your PawPaw would have called you either last night or this morning and told you your ready, just do what you teachers have taught you and you will be just fine" He said "I know". I also told him "PawPaw would say he's so proud of you" He said "I know". I guess the first will go on and those last will stay burned in my heart.
A memory to an old first. The first time I recall my daddy being such a fun guy. I held the water hose on a hot summer day, I'm guessing I was about 10. I must have been playing in it or something. Daddy says "I'm going to give you one chance to get me, but you have to wait till I count to 3" He begins counting 1, 2, 3 and me not putting two and two together I dropped the hose and ran after him to chase him on 3. As I tagged him he said "you had your chance to get me with the hose!" Finally it clicked, I missed my opportunity. We laughed. #liftingonlove
Friday, May 11, 2018
Missing You
5.11.18
Mr. Chauvin, Uncle Bud, Gary, PawPaw, Daddy
Interesting, the most interesting man in the world
Song bird, church mass will never be the same
Sincere, the most sincere man I knew
Investigative, you had to know it all, every single detail
News worthy, you loved talking politics, listening to all sides
Game day, any type of game day you loved
You we're brave, and strong
Optimistic always, Si Se Puede
United, with all, in all you did always
Mr. Chauvin, Uncle Bud, Gary, PawPaw, Daddy
Interesting, the most interesting man in the world
Song bird, church mass will never be the same
Sincere, the most sincere man I knew
Investigative, you had to know it all, every single detail
News worthy, you loved talking politics, listening to all sides
Game day, any type of game day you loved
You we're brave, and strong
Optimistic always, Si Se Puede
United, with all, in all you did always
Thursday, May 10, 2018
One Final Game
5.10.18
11 days gone. It feels as if the last time I saw you was a lifetime ago. On Thursday April 12th 2018 you drove to Kingsville to watch Thora and Maverick's first softball and baseball games. It was difficult for you to get around, but you did it. We sat shoulder to shoulder during Thora's game cheering her on. I'm pretty sure God made sure this was our last movements in life together. There were no hospital beds, no machines hooked up, no doctors, no nurses, just me and you and a diamond of dirt. The same diamond of dirt we loved for many many years together. You said "I want to take a picture with these guys" you were insistent on a picture. You were happy, so very happy. We hugged several times that night, because like I said God made this moment just for us. Where else would I expect him to place us one final time. You looked over at me and said "I'm so happy to be here" I said "me too daddy" A final moment filled with love. Three final things i'll remember about that day. 1: you said you loved that you heard seagulls in Kingsville, reminded you that you were close enough to the ocean. 2: In the morning we patched up your overdue PICC line dressing to trick the nurses into thinking it was fresh, after all it was "very very clean" 3: You whispered in Thora's ear "Thank you, I'll remember this all the days of my life" Little did we know that those days were numbered. I love you daddy, I always have, I always will. #liftingonlove
11 days gone. It feels as if the last time I saw you was a lifetime ago. On Thursday April 12th 2018 you drove to Kingsville to watch Thora and Maverick's first softball and baseball games. It was difficult for you to get around, but you did it. We sat shoulder to shoulder during Thora's game cheering her on. I'm pretty sure God made sure this was our last movements in life together. There were no hospital beds, no machines hooked up, no doctors, no nurses, just me and you and a diamond of dirt. The same diamond of dirt we loved for many many years together. You said "I want to take a picture with these guys" you were insistent on a picture. You were happy, so very happy. We hugged several times that night, because like I said God made this moment just for us. Where else would I expect him to place us one final time. You looked over at me and said "I'm so happy to be here" I said "me too daddy" A final moment filled with love. Three final things i'll remember about that day. 1: you said you loved that you heard seagulls in Kingsville, reminded you that you were close enough to the ocean. 2: In the morning we patched up your overdue PICC line dressing to trick the nurses into thinking it was fresh, after all it was "very very clean" 3: You whispered in Thora's ear "Thank you, I'll remember this all the days of my life" Little did we know that those days were numbered. I love you daddy, I always have, I always will. #liftingonlove
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| He gave great hugs |
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