Things you refuse to see

5.17.18

Every day and every night I replay the last week.  I spoke to you last on Thursday and you died Sunday morning.  You didn't call Saturday or Sunday morning.  Did you know you were dying?  My best guess is you didn't.  Uncle Larry went to visit you Friday and he said you looked better than he'd seen you in a long time.  That you were talking about getting more active.  You told him I was coming to change your PICC line dressing, which I was but it had not come in yet.  You must have not known, you would have reached out.  The one thing that brings some ease to my mind if only a little is that you passed away so peacefully.  It was if you went to sleep in your favorite brown recliner (that mommy and I bought you a father's day long ago) in the house you raised your four children in.  The words that my best friends kept using (they rushed over to be at your side) were "he looked like an angle, so sweet, and peacefully sleeping"  I ask myself why didn't I see that you were dying?  clearly you look at the photos from the first day you entered MD Anderson and the last photos I took of you and there is is clear as day.  My heart must not have been able to accept that part, to refuse to believe it.  I told myself "this is just part of the treatment, once he's in maintenance he'll get better, have more energy"  My eyes deceived me because my heart was protecting itself.  Would it have made a difference if I saw things differently?  I don't know, I just saw a man that was strong, brave, and fighting everyday.  #liftingonlove